


just holding on

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, slow-ish build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 10:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9175813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: tyler loves josh, and josh is afraid.





	

**Author's Note:**

> present tense for present. past tense are flashbacks. 
> 
> this is hard for me to share, because it's personal. but writing is my catharsis. so here we are.

the first time tyler and josh kiss, josh cries.

it isn't unexpected, the fact that tyler kisses him. josh likes tyler. and tyler likes josh. it makes sense in josh's mind for people who like each other to kiss. yet here he is. crying.

the crying sends tyler into a panic, wide eyes and fumbling hands smoothing up and down his arms in some kind of comforting fashion. "i'm sorry, oh, shit, i'm sorry, josh- i thought, i shouldn't have assumed-"

"no," josh croaks out, and the sound immediately silences tyler. "don't-" hic - "apologize, please, i..."

tyler just shakes his head, and pulls josh into his lap, the hands that had stroked his arms are now rubbing delicate circles onto his back. "too fast?"

josh bites his lip. he ends up nodding, just a small, barely noticeable jerk of his head. too fast was putting it far too simplistically. 

josh has gotten used to This. and if he knows anything about This, it's that one day, he will lose tyler- because tyler likes josh enough to want to kiss josh. he is going to lose tyler. it's only a matter of time. 

from some deep, desperate part of him that cannot lose  _ tyler _ , josh gathers the strength just to whisper, "please don't leave me."

a split second later he feels a warm hand cup his jaw, tilting his head upward, and is faced with tyler's gaze. his eyebrows are knotted together, lips twisted down into a frown. he looks so hurt, and it takes all of josh's effort not to start crying all over again. "i won't leave you," he whispers decisively. "i promise."

josh hesitates. "... pinky promise?"

his eyes squeeze shut. he's such a child. grown men don't make pinky promises. 

"i pinky promise."

josh's eyes fly wide open. there, right before him, tyler is holding up his right pinky to josh. an inexplicable sadness still reflects in his dark doe eyes. 

with a shaky hand, josh reaches up and links pinkies with tyler. a small, delicate smile spreads tyler's lips wide. his other hand is still smoothing circles into josh's back, holding him close almost protectively. 

josh starts to cry again.

~

his second experience with a man was the scariest.

his name was cole. they'd met through a mutual friend group, gone to many of the same parties, hung out at many of the same places. it wasn't until a friend's birthday party that they really talked, and they talked. and talked. for hours.

a half hour into their conversation, cole started nudging josh's foot with his own. josh couldn't help the blush that spread up his neck to his cheeks. it had been a while since he'd been flirted with, and a long while since he'd played footsy with anyone. he felt like a middle schooler all over again. it was cute, and he went with it. 

"my phone's dead," cole lamented as the basement of the friend's house started to clear out. "or i'd ask for your number."

the heated blush that had been lingering on josh's skin since their conversation began only doubled. he swallowed harshly before pulling out his phone. "well, mine's got plenty of battery," he threw back, waving it around a little.

cole smiled. he was cute, just a little taller than josh was, silver glasses framing bright green eyes, golden skin and beautiful dimples. "well, you should text me sometime," he suggested as he created himself a contact in josh's phone. "we can hang out."

at that, josh smiled. yes. "i'd love to hang out," he mumbled. suddenly someone was tugging at his hand and pulling him away. "i'll text you."

"oh my god," valerie whisper shouted as they bolted up the stairs. "cole's been eyeing you all night."

josh ducked his head a little, a sort of grin on his face. "we're just friends."

"sure, josh," she laughed out. "he's got it bad for you, honey."

the words made him nervous. hadn't cole said they could just hang out? was he misreading everything? 

he'd sleep on it. cole could wait until tomorrow for a text, he was sure.

he didn't like to think of the memories that followed that night.

the all day texting, back and forth. smiling at his phone as he lazed around his apartment, occasionally texting updates to valerie and tyler. the promise of hanging out that night.

the flowers. the hand on his thigh. the kisses.

"i don't have any condoms," cole whispered against his cheek, still grinding steadily against him, hands already fidgeting with josh's belt buckle. josh inhaled a sharp breath. "is that okay, baby?"

josh froze. "i can't," he stammered out. it was hard to get across a coherent thought when a very bothered boy was kissing his neck and slipping a hand past his underwear, down across his ass, fingers where he didn't _want_ them, still grinding against his fading erection carelessly. "cole, i- i'm sorry, but i can't-"

"shh, it's okay, baby," cole assured him. it wasn't very reassuring, given the fact that he didn't stop.

suddenly josh grabbed both of cole's arms and pushed him up and off, staring at him with wide eyes and breathlessly parted lips. his heart was racing, and he felt like he was going to throw up. his ass _burned_.

"look at what i do to you," cole sighed, reaching over to brush his thumb lightly over josh's bottom lip.

he wanted to cry. "i have to go." he was crying.

"what? _baby_ -"

"i have to go."

~

cole hasn’t texted him since he zipped up his jeans, grabbed his hat, and left.

~

spooky jim: hey ty

home appliances: hey jishwa

spooky jim: i know i should sleep but i keep having really dark thoughts and they're keeping me awake and i'm so tired

spooky jim: i don't know what to do

home appliances: i'm experienced with insomnia welcome to the club

home appliances: okay i'll share everything i know

spooky jim: do we get tshirts

home appliances: make sure it's dimly lit or fully dark where you are, however you like it when you sleep

home appliances: (yes they say "i haven't slept in 65 years")

home appliances: turn on some calming music

home appliances: drink a glass of water, then close your eyes and think about nothing but happy things

home appliances: or happy memories. relive them in your mind

home appliances: then breathe slowly and relax. focus on your breathing, nothing else.

spooky jim: i turned on falling slowly and i can breathe again

home appliances: that's a good song

spooky jim: it's been the song i go to when i panic since i started having panic attacks

spooky jim: i know i've been super clingy lately but thank you for helping me anyway

home appliances: hey, i'm clingy too. cling to me all you want, i'm here for you, okay?

spooky jim: i really care about you tyler

home appliances: i really care about you, too :)

~

tyler likes to watch josh sleep.

it's a little weird, he'll admit it. but they've been sharing beds for years, from the early days cramped in the back of a van in the middle of the night as they journeyed back and forth across ohio, to the hotel rooms with two beds for four guys because they couldn't afford the luxury of sleeping alone just yet- even in the days of finally having a hotel room completely to himself, but having josh visit him to play video games, or going over to josh's room to eat junk food and exchange the worst puns they could think up.

josh is not a peaceful person. he's rigid in interviews, pushed up against tyler or sitting as close to him as physically possible or socially acceptable, all eyes glued to the floor and hands twitching in his lap. he's a whirlwind onstage, beating his drums with a force of nature to be reckoned with, blazing beneath the red war paint that perfectly suited the battle he raged when overcome by every song; the rumble of the kick drum, the snare shattering silence like a crack of thunder, the cymbals that screamed while josh's mouth was sealed shut in deep concentration. he paces back and forth across the bus when he can't sleep, mostly sticking to the common area, but sometimes tyler could hear careful footsteps from the other side of his curtained-off bunk. 

josh is restless. 

but it's a hotel night tonight. he's successfully worn out josh with relentless battles of super smash bros, with playful wrestling across tyler's bed, with the thoughtless exchange of childhood memories and carefree banter, until josh started to drift right next to him, and tyler didn't have it in him to send him across the hall. josh is asleep for once, mouth parted slightly as he breathed evenly, eyes smoothly shut, one arm splayed over his stomach and the other stretched toward tyler. 

tyler isn't as tired yet, but he accepts the unconscious josh's invitation and scoots just a bit closer. in response, josh shuffles his arms around slowly, lazily, and curls into tyler's side with a soft, breathy huff. it's potentially the sweetest thing tyler has ever seen his best friend do; barring the one time in their younger days when tyler was broken over a draining performance and on the verge of tears all night, and josh had simply pulled him into bed with him- across from them mark and michael were already fast asleep, unaware- and held him, let him cry into josh's chest and dampen his already sweat soaked t-shirt further, peppering the top of his head and the side of his face with gentle, chaste kisses, until tyler was able to quiet down and whisper his thanks to josh before promptly passing out. 

he loves the quiet moments with josh, the soft, unassuming ones, where it's nothing but silence and them, connected somehow with hands or limbs or lips. tyler has a strong urge to lean down and peck josh's lips softly, but rather he kisses josh's forehead gently and settles down alongside him. 

when josh was ready, tyler would be waiting.


End file.
